YOU are with ME!

Hi friends,

I'm back on the blog again after more than a year's hiatus. I never could keep this going consistently, a fact that occasionally bothers me (when I remember it, that is). 

To start, a quick update. We are still in Thailand - our first time remaining here over a summer vacation in the 10 years we have been in this country. We are safe. We are healthy. We are a little bit bored, but are trying to maintain some positivity through it all.

There's been a lot in my heart in the last six months. 2020 (with all of its ups and downs) has challenged me just as much as I'm sure it has challenged you. I started the year thinking that I understood where it was going: direct another play at school, start working on the adoption process here in Thailand, travel to the US for the summer and visit all the family and relatives that we can fit into six weeks, come back and start the next school year refreshed and ready to go again. 

Instead, it looked quite different. Here's about how it really went: Start directing a play, realize that I'm in way over my head and start to panic, have a few anxiety attacks over how we could actually pull it off. Covid-19 attacks. More panic and anxiety over the present and the future. Realize that the play can't happen, but that I have to figure out how to teach a Shakespeare play and To Kill a Mockingbird online. Do those things, with a fair bit of anxiety remaining. Realize that we can't go to the US for the summer. Wonder how I'll ever feel refreshed (physically, spiritually, emotionally....in all ways) before the next school year starts. Feel like a failure on multiple levels for not being grateful and for being so anxious all the time. Realize that our adoption paperwork has to halt as long as the US Embassy hold 'emergency only' appointments. Feel anxious about how that affects the timeline I've put together in my brain. 

It goes on. I won't. 

Anxiety has always come in phases for me during times when I get overly busy. I like being busy, so I always expected that being anxious was a part of that. This year, though, it's different. I've felt crippled on multiple occasions. I've felt panicked over things that I have no reason to panic over. I've wondered why. Why now? What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel like I've got things together? 

I have had to start to find rest in the knowledge that things are out of my control. That I can't be in control. That I shouldn't try to be in control. Some days that knowledge overwhelms me more, and some days I find total joy and freedom in it. 

We've taught Gerrit (who is now very proudly five and a half years old) to say Psalm 23. He can say the whole thing, with or without actions, depending on his mood. When he gets to verse 4, though, he does my favorite part: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU are with ME!" He points enthusiastically to the sky on "YOU" and back to himself on "ME." It's pretty great. 

I've known this verse for about as long as I can remember. But this year, this year it hits my heart. I've had many days where I feel not that I'm walking through the valley, but that I'm stuck in the valley. That the shadow has overwhelmed me and I can't get out. But, as Gerrit reminds me, "YOU are with ME" (please do the hand motions in your mind as you read that). 

What greater comfort is there than to know that GOD HIMSELF is here, in the darkness and chaos, shining light and bringing peace? 

And how does he go about doing this? For some reason, he uses us. People. As broken and anxious and small as we are, he chooses us. He is with us. He uses us (and even our children) to remind us of who he is and how great his love is.

As I consider these things, I also start to think about how they apply to my situation. How does God shine his light into my life in the moments when I am the most anxious? How does he use me to teach others more of his truth, even when I do not feel capable of doing so? How can I, weak and limited as I am, reach out to others in their moments of need, to remind them of God's love and presence in their lives? 

It's hard. Hard to answer those questions. But it's worth the time to think about, because sometimes God throws opportunities your way that you might miss if you hadn't been looking for them. There is so much joy when you get the chance to share a piece of God's love, just a little bit of light, into the life of someone you spend time with. And that joy is another reminder of God's goodness in the face of discouraging situations.

Friends, I want to ask you a series of questions, and I hope that you'll take the time to consider them:

• How is God using you to reach out to your little corner of the world? How is he using you to shine his light, his love, his very presence to each person you come into contact with? 

• During the course of your day, are you taking actions based on what you believe your core freedoms to be? Are you taking actions with a community mindset, knowing that what you do affects people around you? Are you considering how your actions might affect others (strangers or not) who you come into contact with? 

• In the conversations you have, are you speaking words that argue your point to make sure that others know you are right? Or are you speaking words of love and justice, words that will bring people together instead of tearing them further apart? Are you trying to bring God's grace into conversations or simply your own idea of the right answer?

• Are you watching and listening to videos or podcasts or other forms of media that support only your own opinions? Are you watching and listening to those who understand the world differently from you, in order to find ways to bridge the gaps and bring unity and healing to your community? How might listening to other sides of the issue allow the Spirit to speak to your heart? 

1 John 3:10 says this: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." In John 15, Jesus says, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (v.12-13).

God is with us in the darkness of the valley. God is with us here, in the chaos of 2020. God is with us when we are broken with anxiety, when our hopes have been crushed, when we don't know where to turn. God is here. And he uses us, here and now. 

Knowing that God is with you, how can you go forth and love others? How can you let the radical, inexplicable, incomprehensible love of God flow through you to your neighbors, your community? How about to the people on social media who disagree with you? How about to the people in your community who are making claims and fighting for causes that you don't believe in? How can you 'lay down your life' in love for them? 

I hope you find yourselves challenged, friends. And I hope that you choose to take action in the face of that challenge, to bring unity and love to a world that is overflowing with chaos and frustration. 

May God's peace be with you.