Two months in: What is my identity?

The Van Maanen family is about two months in on this repatriation experience. There are so many things I could be writing about: the cultural experiences (like mask-wearing decisions and getting a new driver's license!), the moments of culture shock (the grocery store!! Ahh!!!), the incredible blessings that this community has poured out upon us (phone numbers for potential babysitters! yay!), the loneliness I sometimes feel (starting all friendships from scratch is hard), and the overwhelming peace that God has placed in my heart despite the high amounts of anxiety I am experiencing as I anticipate teaching in a new setting. 

There's a lot.

But there is one thing that has struck me today in particular that I want to write about a bit: identity. Who am I, and how do I know that's who I am? I've been considering this a lot lately as I've come to the understanding that my identity doesn't transfer clearly from one place to another. 

An example: 

I was thinking the other day about some things I want to tell my students in the first few days of school. In my head, I was sort of creating a dialogue of what I'd explain (this is perfectly normal, right?), and part of it went something like this: "You can send me an email with questions. Even if it's just a quick 'Hey Mrs. Megan, I'm having trouble with this' kind of message...." 

It was at that point that the running commentary in my head stopped as I suddenly realized that I am no longer Mrs. Megan. On this side of the world, I'll be known as Mrs. Van Maanen. 

My identity has changed.

Another example: in church recently I introduced myself to someone I hadn't met yet, and when they heard my last name, they said, "Oh! Are you Don Van Maanen's daughter in law?" Yes. Yes I am. 

In Thailand, I was identified by my country of origin or my occupation: I was an American teacher. In a small town, I am identified by the people I'm related to. This is a piece of culture that I'm working on getting used to. Fortunately for me, I'm inheriting a pretty good reputation! But still - my identity has changed. 

I don't have a problem with any of these things. They are good changes - they really are. But they are changes. And they are all happening at once. I'm realizing that for the last 11 years my identity was centered on the fact that I lived in Thailand, that I had been teaching English in the high school at GES for a long time, that I was a leader, someone who knew how to handle the challenges of living overseas for the long term. 

But here, none of these things apply any longer. My world is suddenly made up of people who have lived in this town much longer than I have (haha - that's not hard to do), people who have taught at the school for 15 or 20 or 30 years. I'm not a leader, I'm the new person who has to learn the ropes. I'm younger than almost all of my coworkers (from what I can tell). The idea of living overseas is kind of a novelty here, but not a reality. It's not tangible. People have other passions, other goals, other focus areas of their lives. 

Again - these are not bad things. On the contrary, they are good. I'm being stretched and challenged by navigating the unfamiliar. I'm also being rejuvenated through a variety of encouragements from many people around me. I see how the Spirit is at work in people's lives by the way they interact with me. I've been greatly encouraged by each coworker that I've met. We feel completely at home in the church we've attended for the last 4 weeks, even though we haven't met half of the people who attend. These things are huge blessings in my life.

What it comes down to is this: I am re-learning what it means to have my identity in Christ. I'm learning that when I focus my identity on the things that are familiar to me...oof. I'm in big trouble. Those things have all been swept away rather recently and replaced with things that are vaguely familiar and yet totally foreign to me. 

But in Christ? My identity remains exactly the same. I am a servant, a daughter of the King. I am beloved. I am forgiven. I am being renewed. I can go about my day and focus my attention on glorifying my Creator in my work, my attitude, my actions, my thoughts. I can passionately follow God's call in my life because I know that he has led me here and that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I can take the time to tell others of what God has done and is still doing in my life.

I have been forgetting this lately and have frequently been in a high-anxiety headspace, wondering how things will turn out and whether or not I'll be able to handle all of these changes (especially when school starts). But now I'm starting to realize that with a change of focus, rather than floundering around, hoping for clarity in my role in this community, I can move forward to seek peace, bring hope, and deeply love those around me in whatever circumstance I am in. The root of my identity doesn't change, even though my life and role within my community are much different than they were three months ago.

And so friends, the battle continues. Each day brings a new challenge, and I've experienced the entire range of all the emotions that go with it. But I'm grateful for the ability to work through the highs and lows of this experience. God's not done with me yet. 😊 I'd love your prayers for our family as some of the biggest transitions are yet to come: the beginning of the school year on August 31st is looming ever nearer!

 I want to leave you with a little encouragement.

To those of you who are believers - I pray that you will find your identity truly rooted in Christ. May you work toward it, making Christ the rock of everything in your life. And may your words and actions flow out of that identity in each moment of the coming days.

To those of you who do not believe the same things I do - I pray that you will someday come to understand what these things mean. May you seek truth and find it. May your identity become rooted in something and someone far greater than yourself. 

Many blessings to you all.