The BIG NEWS!

 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." 

--- Isaiah 30:21

That verse have been in my mind a lot lately. I actually feel that it has been my life story in the last two weeks, as what I thought my future held has crumbled beneath me and what I never expected has risen as reality in front of me. 

So here it is, everyone. The big news:

We are moving back to the United States. 

(Yes, you read that correctly.) 

Much to my surprise, and far beyond all I could have imagined for myself, God has very clearly shown Michael and me that our time in Thailand is done, and He has graciously paved the path for us to return to the US. To Lynden, Washington, if I'm being exact. 

A year ago, I never would have thought about it. Actually, 17 days ago I wasn't thinking about it. And that's where the story begins. 

As much as I'd like to credit myself for the idea of moving back to the States, I'm going to be brutally honest and admit that I had absolutely no interest in it. I flat out ignored the information that was sent to me in April by Michael's dad (yeah, sorry about that, Pops), thinking that I knew what God wanted for my life. As it turns out, after two weeks of ignoring the consistent message that a position was open and I should apply for it, I finally gave in and contacted the school. 

Two weeks ago (May 14th) I had a conversation on Zoom with the principal, and at the end of that conversation, I found that my heart was suddenly conflicted. Instead of feeling like the door to that opportunity was closed, I felt like it was wide open, and I wasn't prepared to deal with that. I wasn't okay with it. I had other plans in my head, things I had been preparing for, things I really wanted to do. 

Over the course of that weekend, Michael and I agonized over the decision. To me it was not just a decision, though; it was a matter of discerning God's call in my life. I've always said that I'd be in Thailand until God called me somewhere else, and I just couldn't really accept that the call in my heart was NOW. All of a sudden, my life had turned upside down and my emotions, mind, and soul were engaged in a spiritual battle. What could God be asking of me? Why now? Why Lynden? Was this for real, or was it just something I subconsciously and selfishly wanted for my family? The last time I tried to leave Thailand didn't go so well...what if I'm wrong about this time too?

I went through about 36 hours of questioning and internal conflict and physical pain in response to the spiritual and emotional battle. By Sunday afternoon, I was exhausted. I had barely slept, barely eaten. I felt sick. But all of a sudden, I had peace. I knew then that God's call was clear in my heart, and that for some unknown reason, the right thing to do was to apply for this job. And in applying for the job, I knew that if it was offered to me, I would accept it. 

I got stuck on a song for a few days as I put in my application and prayed over the results. The opening of it goes like this:

What gift of grace is Jesus my redeemer
There is no more for heaven now to give
He is my joy, my righteousness, and freedom
My steadfast love, my deep and boundless peace

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
For my life is wholly bound to his
Oh how strange and divine, I can sing, "All is mine"
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

(Listen to the whole thing here, if you want)

"Yet not I but through Christ in me" - these words hit my heart like a freight train. I am not my own, but belong to Christ. I am not in Thailand because of my own mission, but because of God's mission. The work that I have been a part of here can continue after I leave because God is far bigger and more powerful than I am. And I can put my hope in him, that this is for his glory, that his Word will go forth, and that the hearts of people I love dearly (and that God loves even more dearly) might hear his call and turn to him someday. 

Fast forward 11 days from that Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, I was offered and officially accepted this position that I applied for. Two weeks ago I had no idea that anything would ever change, and now my whole life has been turned upside-down. 

I now look at our lives with a new set of eyes. Michael and I have gone through some difficult things in the last year. We've burned out hard, we've struggled a lot, and we've desperately missed our families. We both have tried to be strong for one another. We've tried to do our work well, to love people well, and to serve with our whole hearts. But now I see: we are very, very tired. 

And I believe God has known that far longer than we have. He knew, and he has given us a gift in the form of a new calling: a calling that brings us to the family we miss, that gives us strength to finish our work in Thailand well, that gives us hope to believe again in the inconceivable depths of God's love and goodness. 

When we are at our wits' end, even if we don't realize how deep our need is, God is right there with us. Sometimes he calls us to continue on through the hard path, to persevere and serve and love from His strength rather than our own. Other times, he whispers to us, pointing out the path ahead of us and guiding our hearts to follow his call. 

He did this for Michael and I when we first moved to Thailand. (If you want to see reflections on this story from the eyes of Megan in 2010, check out the very first blog post!) He called us, rather abruptly, to take a job that we never really dreamed of. We followed that call, and we have been deeply, richly blessed through it. In the past eleven years, I have been part of a diverse community of believers from many walks of life. I have been incredibly challenged by teaching my students. I have learned how to be a much better teacher than I was in those early years. I have loved my students deeply and fiercely, with a love that is not my own, but from God. 

My life will never be the same. My heart will remain at GES with my friends, coworkers, students. Thailand will always be a part of me. It will take time for me to start to think of another place as home.

But...

I have no regrets. I am struggling to give up my control, my desires, and my assumptions about life. But in the ups and downs of my emotions and mental state, I know that God is good. I know that He is still my stronghold and fortress. I know that my life is in service to him, and in serving I find joy and peace. Following this call will be hard, but I have hope that God's not done with me yet. I have hope that God's not done with GES or its students yet. I have hope for the future, that all the changes that are happening will ultimately be for God's glory.

Yet not I, but through Christ in me.